break time, merry christmas, end of the year...what could go wrong?

    Ahh the joys of winter, holidays, true blood and law & order: svu marathons, honestly "sweet dreams are made of these..." But I truly do enjoy my long five weeks of break with the family...long...five...weeks. But hey why complain? I have nothing to do except the days that I work at the--that's right--the pool! The pool is like an entity of its own--it keeps absorbing me into its black hole otherwise known as chlorine infested waters.
    Since August, I can genuinely say that I have had many new and enthralling experiences at my very own  natatorium. Training at the beginning of the year was a horrid nightmare that I can gladly say I lived through. It was long, hot and very tedious-- thank god for bars...I would have never made it through.
    Now, for what you have all been waiting for--another lifeguard revelation! During this past semester, I had the swim team shift. It's a rather interesting shift because you get to watch the whole swim team for 1.5 hours. When I say "get to watch (like it's a privilege?)," I actually mean: are required to "helicopter mom" them (If you don't know what a "helicopter mom" is, google it please). I'm sure those of you reading this are thinking, how hard can a shift be when the lifeguards barely have to do anything...do they even really have to watch the pool?
   You are wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. We are required to hover over the swim team and accede to all of the teams requests and demands. Honestly, shifts during swim practice can be intense with all the appeasing we must do. It's a challenge of its own but it's all in a day's work of American Lifeguarding.  Boy, I cannot WAIT until I start working swim meets shifts. Those are like swim practice shifts on super steroids...

                              (These swimmers are NOT to be trusted. This intense and familiar image of cheering is ofter misconstrued as cheers and motivating cries-- that could not be further from the truth. Through screams of cheers, these two "teammates" are actually saying: "If you don't go faster you will lose for the entire team and we will hate you forever!" Yup, it's what they mean ;-) )

I Had to Get My Research Together to Create this Glorious Story

   No I haven't died and no I haven't stopped lifeguarding. I've been away for a little while, but now I'm back and am ready to share my bountiful stories with you all. So this past week has been hectic to the extreme. We had a national championship swim meet at my place of work and I worked a 45 hour week, no days of break. However, I did manage to find an incredibly attractive coach and a swimmer who could be the long lost twin of a guy I used to know (plus, he had the same name. Coincidence or creepy? You probably know my answer...). So, when you're working at a place where you get to watch a.) your favorite sport, b.) check out gratuitous amounts of attractive swimmers and c.) not sit for the majority of the shift, you get a fairly decent work week despite the long hours.
    Last Monday, we had a huge storm and a tornado touched down in my hometown! Pretty incredible considering the fact that we never get catastrophic weather conditions and the last time tornado like symptoms even appeared was over fifteen years ago. This storm was not as intense at my workplace, but the electricity went out in the natatorium, so you guessed it, we had to guard for the most part in the dark. The situation was worse at home where our cable and eventually, our electricity went out. It was a glorious few days for yours truly and I had to go to my workplace to finish up some loose ends on my computer.
   The week ended last night when I worked at my pool at home. Expecting it to be another horrible and gossipy shift at the neighborhood pool, I was pleasantly surprised when I realized that I didn't have to work with any of the people I disliked. Plus, no one came to the pool for two hours and we closed up early. It was a great shift and night.
 

Bring it on Monday!

Pure Excitement that Led Up to Nothing in Particular

Yesterday started out like any typical Wednesday at work. I worked the first three hours outside in the miserable humidity and then traded the next three hours with another guard so I could work inside with Jack. I was also secretly hoping that I could watch the swim teachers. As ridiculous as it sounds, I was so pumped to observe the swim teachers. It was the one highlight of my day at work (besides you Jack)! Sadly to my dismay, I had discovered that the swim lessons were on break for two weeks. Two Weeks, how horrible! I didn't even care that I would only have to sit up a total of an hour during the three hours I worked inside; I was just so bummed that I wouldn't be able to enjoy observing the swim teachers. It wasn't all bad since I was able to work with Jack again. Our antics were even more extravagant and we've definitely proven ourselves to be the happy goofs at work. Work was decent, but it could have been better.

These two weeks are going to be long and hard.

Since when has life in the fast lane become life in the ten under the speed limit lane?

On an aside from a lifeguarding story (don't worry, I'll have one!), I'd love to rant a little bit about everyone's favorite issue, Traffic! It's a bit of a hike to get to the pool I work at and I have to cross two highways daily to get there. Now I know you're thinking, What is she going to say that hasn't been said? Well, instead of complaining incessantly about something reiterated many times over, I'd like to share my Top Five Worst Drivers List.

1.) The Driver going ten under in the fast/left lane.
         We all have experienced this one. The one that just can't seem to pick up the pace no matter how hard he/she (and it's usually a she) doesn't try. This driver can be especially frustrating if there is no room to switch lanes. As obnoxious as it may be, try to stay at a slower pace and wait to change lanes.
2.)  The Geriatric Driver
         There is no running or hiding from this driver. They will be out during all times of the day from 8am-4 pm (any later and they might miss the early bird special). This driver loves to go at least 20 mph under the speed limit. However, they don't know any better. They can barely see over the steering wheel and most have cataracts in their eyes. It's best to avoid driving in the vicinity of this driver at all costs.
3.)  The Important and Busy Jackass
         In case you've been living under a rock for the past year, congress recently passed a law announcing that it's illegal to talk on the phone and drive in the state of Maryland. Nonetheless, there are still those drivers that are sooo busy and important that they cannot even pull over on the highway to finish up a conversation. The stop might impede them from spreading their smugness everywhere. The problem with this driver is that they too go way under the speed limit. Even worse, they're not paying attention so they don't hear all the people honking and shouting profanities at them. It's best to honk once or twice and then try to change lanes. If you can throw in a glare, it might make you feel better.
4.)  The Teenaged/First Time Driver
          We have all been this one, so I can't be too hard on these unfortunate souls. Not only are their hormones driving them wild, but so is their first time responsibility and excitement of driving a car. They act retarded on the road just as they do when hanging out with the opposite sex. They don't look when changing lanes (some girl did this to me today) and they are way too scared to be on the highway. As frustrating as it can be, have a little sympathy and then rush by them in order to get away from the pack of wild hormones in pursuit of the same exit as you.
5.)  The Scared Woman
           This driver has the special distinguishing factor of only being a female. She typically drives an ugly minivan decked out with: "My child is an honor student..." or "[insert sport]" bumper stickers; sometimes she may even drive a decent looking sedan. Nonetheless, she cannot control her lack of depth perception or retardation and cannot drive. She cannot change lanes and panics when a slight turn occurs down the highway. She goes way too slow or is shouting at her child in the front seat. This driver is just plain horrible and sometimes, cursing in your car at her will ease the frustration and again, it's just best to pass her.


These are my top worst drivers. While we may hope, wish and pray that the government will expand on highways 270, 495, and 95, it will just suffice to get these drivers off the road (though it may be impossible).

It's a miracle: I've actually become excited while sitting up in the chair

Don't get too amazed...the only reason I can stand sitting up in that hot, sweaty chair is the fact that I get to watch the swim instructors teach lessons. Being a former swim teacher, I find it interesting to see others' techniques; I also find it fascinating to make eyes at the handsome swim teachers. The first time I actually have looked forward going to work has started now. Working today was great because I got to work with my good friend (we'll call him Jack) who I love to goof around with. I think the head guard asked Jack and I three times to clean up around the pool, but we just got too caught up in gossiping and goofing off. Nonetheless, it was a breezy day at work and I got to see the swim instructors.

I'm just hoping I get more inside shifts now.

Contrary To Popular Belief...

It's quite possible to ponder the meaning of life while sitting up in the guard chair for fifteen or thirty minutes. Once while sitting up in the guard chair at the neighborhood pool, I wondered what I was meant to do while spending my time on Earth. Did I want to help people (become a psychologist or lawyer)? Well, I couldn't become a doctor; it's just not in my nature to be mathematically or scientifically inclined in a job. I then had a sort of epiphany and thought, maybe I would become an entertainer, because I had always wanted to be in the acting industry. As trite as it seems, I knew at that moment, that that was what I wanted and I'm on a mission to see how far that will go (if it goes at all).

And then a child pointed his squirt gun at me and started shooting.

It was a long, soaked and miserable sit from then on.